Following on from my previous abridged version of Stephanie Meyer’s critically acclaimed Twilight Saga (which you can find here) I bring you New Moon, on the day that Eclipse has it’s advanced screenings in the United Kingdom.
Image: The Debutante Ball
It all began at the beginning. It was Bella’s birthday and her toyboy (although that’s not strictly true because he’s really old but looks young, a bit like Amanda Holden) Eddie had thrown her a surprise party at his house with his vampire friends. All was good, you could say that they were in a state of equalibrium. But when presented with a present [sic] she tried to open it and cut herself on the sharp paper that bound the gift. What a mistake! She starts bleeding all over the place and one of the vampire people (who strangely enough don’t look like Count Chocula) who prefers human blood to animal blood (I spose it’s like Coke to Diet Coke) tries to lick her blood or something and in the process pushes her into a nearby coffee table which cuts her up like a rusty Gillette Venus razor. Then all pandemonium happens and Bella gets led away by Eddie.
Then I didn’t pay attention for a bit and then Eddie dumps her like a rotten Steak Bake from Greggs. ‘Bastard!’ you think, but he’s doing it cause he loves her or something. I dunno it’s kinda weird.
Cue depression! Bella decides to block out most of her friends and stays in her room but then starts hanging out with local Native American Jake-ub. Bella discovers that when her life is in danger, she sees Eddie, so naturally she tries to get herself raped. When this doesn’t pan out the way she wanted it to she buys not one, not one and a half but TWO motorcycles! And gets Jake-ub to try and fix them up for her. He does, and he develops a close bond with Bella and even falls a tiny bit in love with her. As an audience we’re tied. Is this plot predictable, tedious or gripping? Who knows? Who cares? Well quite a lot of people.
Bella falls off the motorcycle, takes up extreme sports such as cliffdiving and then Michael Sheen pops up in the film as a member of the Illuminati. No wait, wrong film. Volturi. They’re like some crazy vampires that don’t wanna kill Eddie for some reason and then I got bored. But Dakota Fanning is cast as a crazy little monster who can hurt people with her eyes (again, a bit like Amanda Holden, only she can’t move her eyes for all the botox that’s in her face, which is also why she can’t cry).
And that is New Moon. Stay tuned in 6 months or so when Eclipse comes out on DVD so I can tell you the next part.
